One of the largest mosquitoes in the world, mosquito absurdical giganticus, lives in New Jersey. I don’t know for sure what we did to deserve the honor of its presence in our N.J. swamps and neighborhoods, but I like to think that the Jersey mosquito has highly refined taste buds, that it’s a connoisseur of the fine cuisine available in my home state; few other places in the world can boast the variety of multi-ethnic food-flavored blood we have in our small state — Italian-American, Spanish, Portuguese, Jamaican, Haitian, French, Russian, Polish, German, English (never mind; English food is pretty bland) and more. Come to think of it, maybe the Jersey mosquito is so large because it’s constantly sampling human blood from the latest and greatest restaurant offerings.
I rarely get bit by mosquitoes when I’m home in New Jersey. Perhaps because my finely tuned ears can hear a Jersey mosquito coming from 1/4 mile away. They have such big wingspans (How big, Darlene?) that a single mosquito approaching ruffles the hairs on my head and my hand automatically raises to squash it. I don’t sport huge lumpy welts from mosquito bites
until I’m in sunny Florida. Florida mosquitoes are small, mere pip-squeaks compared with their Jersey brethren. That’s why they travel in packs; they have an inferiority complex because of their (lack of) size. Unfortunately for sweet-blooded visitors like me what Florida mosquitoes lack in size they more than made up with the ferocity of their blood letting. I can’t hear them or see them coming. And they leave me bloody, swollen and extremely itchy after every attack.
Case in point: I was at Miller’s Ale House having a great time, sipping my wine and watching the N.Y. Giants lose to the Washington Redskins when a hoard of mosquitoes attacked me. Perhaps my mistake was in wearing a skirt to an outside bar in Florida at night? Or maybe it was in choosing to root for the Giants? No matter the reason, the end result was the same: my legs, particularly the left one (are the majority of Florida mosquitoes Democrats?), are covered in almost a dozen different bites. Given the amount of alcohol consumed by the bar patrons I should have seem the hoard of drunken mosquitoes approach, flying tipsy — surely upside down and backwards — toward me; my only excuse is that the Redskins’ phenomenal freshman QB had me mesmerized.
I’m applying cortisone cream, icing regularly to keep the swelling down and taking an antihistamine. Even so, my legs look pretty ugly right now. Mosquitoes are one reason I will never call Florida home. Now excuse me while I go apply
Congratulations to Jennifer Comet Wagner who won the gift pack of Tuttorosso Tomatoes.