Exercise: What Made Me First Decide I Don’t Want Men in My Yoga Classes

The yoga studio was a serene place.

Years ago, I took a weekly yoga class to lengthen my muscles and perhaps to teach them how to relax. If you knew me years ago, I think you would agree that “tightly wound” was a kind way of describing me. The studio was (actually, still is) a place devoted to the practice of yoga; it’s a deep and very sincere space, if you know what I mean.

I attended a weekly “Intro to Yoga” class. The teacher was kind, patient and so willing to help my fellow classmates and me improve. It was nice to have that attention as I twisted and turned and generally tried to learn the poses and philosophy. My classmates were mostly the same people every week. I typically kept my eyes on the instructor or myself, did my thing, then went home, relaxed, muscles humming happily.

About ten weeks into my practice (that’s what they call it) I was pressed for time and decided to take an “Intro” class at a different day and time. Just as class was about to begin, a man entered, looked around the well-attended (read: crowded) class and spotted what he thought was just enough space between me and the wall to place his mat and himself. A little startled at his abrupt entry I scooted my mat over to give him a bit more room.

Class began.

Focused on my breathing, in and out, I was a happy.

“Pffft.”

I thought, “Focus. Breathe.”

As the class moved as one into downward dog, I heard another, somewhat louder “pffft,” and a slightly sulfuric odor wafted gently up my nose.

I tried to focus on my widespread fingers anchoring my body into the earth. I tried to focus on my breathing. But the smell had broken my concentration. Badly.

I struggled to regain my focus. And I succeeded for most of the rest of the class, even though the periodic “pfft” kept me off balance.

Finally, feeling like I was moving and breathing in a yellow haze, I shot a glance to my left, where the man, the just-on-time-to-class person, was positioned. And where the “pfft” originated from.

The man was dripping with sweat. Facing him as we moved into plank position my nostrils flared as a funky mix of stale beer and BO filled them. . .that. . . and something more; something I couldn’t quite place.

Not quite what I expected to see.

Literally shaking my head, I refocused with a vengeance on the pose: plank, then we repositioned our arms and flowed into side plank. Unfortunately for me, the side I faced was “his” side. The man’s gym shorts had ridden up, exposing a lot of very hairy, not very attractive leg. But that wasn’t the worst of it. Oh, no.

“Pfffft.”

That meant the man’s butt faced me so I got the full-on “pfft” of the fart he let loose during the move.

It stunk.

I stunk.

And I quite literally gagged in a side plank.

When class ended, the man got up and left without a backward glance. But his hazy yellow “pffft” stained the air where his mat had been and where my mat and I still were.

Do we really need to post signs like this?

 

This entry was posted in Adventures of a Middle Age Mom, Exercise, Farting, Yoga and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Exercise: What Made Me First Decide I Don’t Want Men in My Yoga Classes

  1. Kristin says:

    Was this a prank episode of Jackass? Did the guy look like Johnny Knoxville? I’m so glad I am not alone in this suffering. But I hate to tell you it’s not just men!

    http://www.myspace.com/video/dragonkeeper/jackass-fart-in-yoga-class/19696863

  2. You’d think, right?!
    Ya know, I haven’t had much ‘gas’ in the classes I’ve taken. That said, tonight it was a woman tripping the fart fantastic. . .and she had the nerve to look at me like it was me. It was a good thing I was having so much fun. . .I didn’t call her out on it!!

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